Metaphors for midlife abound! One that I have come to respect through my own experience and the wise teachings of mentors like Sue Monk Kidd and Christiane Northrup is that midlife is often a time of re-birthing. If re-birth conjures up precious memories of giving birth to your child or painful ones, both apply. The other thing that definitely applies is that just like the gestation process to grow a fetus takes 9 months, so the re-birthing of our True Self at midlife takes a longer period of time than we typically like to plan for a change process. Truth be told, we can’t plan this process although we can consciously work with it, and the rewards can be most satisfying as you birth a more aware and compassionate you.
This is the first of a series of posts on this midlife re-birthing process. This particular post focuses on integrating what Kidd calls the “false selves, “ in particular, the "pleaser," an aspect of oneself with which many of you may be familiar. I see human beings from a holistic perspective, mind, body, spirit and emotions. Thus, I come at the midlife process from that place, also. I explore these changes with you from both my own personal experience and from a coach’s perspective.
As Sue Monk Kidd in When the Heart Awaits reflects, re-birthing our selves spiritually takes going the slow route. After all, you cannot rush a caterpillar’s process of changing form in the chrysalis. When it is ready, it will emerge, not before. Rushing the process results in incomplete development.
One of the major phases in the re-birthing of the Self at midlife is to acknowledge and integrate various parts of ourselves that we have conveniently overlooked or ones that have been operating at a subconscious level. Sue calls these aspects “false selves” and describes them as constructions of the ego that helped us function during the first half of our lives. The first she describes, that she and I have in common, is the "pleaser;" her name for that aspect of herself is “Little Girl with the Curl.”
How many of are familiar with the "pleaser?" Mother’s can be driven by it and the behavior can be just as familiar to a single woman if she surrounds herself with people who want more of her and often are not reciprocal in giving back. These people often suck us dry until we acknowledge and take care of ourselves by setting boundaries. For example, a single friend who’s son is in college recently heard him protest at her decision to move to another state. She wouldn’t always be conveniently nearby when he came home for breaks. She acknowledged that was true, and she recognizes her own needs come first now. This is part of her saying YES to the new life she is creating at midlife.
To get in touch with your “pleaser,” if you have one:
- Notice how you feel when family members and “close” friends or co-workers “expect you” to go out of your way to meet their needs.
- If there is a sense of pinch or discomfort around this “expected giving,” slow down and ask yourself what do I need right now?
- Then consider saying “no." This is a complete sentence, no explanation required!
- Whatever you choose to do, notice what follows. Are you energized or drained by the exchange?
As we slowly discover our “false selves,” as Sue calls them, we can change, making the unconscious conscious. We can integrate these aspects in-part through claiming them and their patterns as part of us and finding new, more appropriate ways to meet the needs they once served. As we make these changes we become more whole and more at peace with ourselves.
We’ve just begun this discussion. I will look forward to hearing how you have learned to own and redirect the energies of your "pleaser" or to your sharing about another “false self” you have discovered.
Recent Comments