Seedlings

Hot and Cranky

Yes, we were!  Friends were, neighbors were, and I was, at least once over the last week.  Here in the Seattle/Bellevue area we were having some of the hottest temperatures on record for this region as we broke 100 degrees on Wednesday.   As I saw tempers flare with the temperatures, I became aware that when I am physically uncomfortable, it is much less easy for me to be “nice.”  I am more likely to speak my truth whether I “intend to” or not.  That is, socially acceptable behaviors can go out the window.

Socially Acceptable…just what is that?!  No, I don’t want to directly or indirectly send angry responses that I don’t intend, however, I do think those kind of “errors” can be fruitful occasionally.  We can discover how we really feel about a situation/person.  Once that is in the open, then the choice is whether or not we want to be responsible for those feelings and how we handle them from that point forward.

During peri-menopause we can experience significant heat waves that are not weather related and they can push us to that place of expressing our true feelings in less than a graceful way.  Once again, the learning opportunities are great.  What is true?  What is that anger really about?  Have I owned up to my real feelings to myself, to others?  At earlier periods in our lives we may have tolerated, now is not the time to tolerate but to investigate.  Gently, compassionately.

A tool I often use the four questions from Byron Katie's The Work:

Is that true?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

How do I react when I think that thought?

Who would I be without that thought?

In my case, I thought I was doing more than my share of work on a project.  I am not really sure that was true from the other person’s perspective and it was from mine.  So, if I want to be more compassionate and loving to myself and this co-worker, then it’s important to share my truth and find out hers.  Then we have something to work with.  In the meantime, asking and answering the above questions brings me back to me.  The only place I really have true power.

Friendships, a Source of Well-Being

Women since the beginning of time have woven together friendships, families, communities.  Our inner knowing and wisdom about weaving people and resources together has been confirmed now in scientific research.  Women live longer and have an added buffer for dealing with stress out of the friendships that they develop and maintain. These relationships can be particularly important in challenging times.

Mayo Clinic suggests that support networks, one dimension of that being our friendships, have the following benefits:

Provides a sense of Belonging. You feel connected, cared about and share things in common.

Improves self-esteem.  Having people who know you and like having you around gives us a sense of meaning and importance.

Sense of Security.  When people know you, and they see changes in your behavior like depression, lethargy or illness, they can reach out and support you.

During the period of 45-65 things begin to shift as your values reconfigure and you blossom into the new you.  Friendships can be challenged.

What you shared in common may no longer be a binding force.  For example, if you are an empty nester meeting your children’s needs is no longer day-to-day one of your greatest priorities.  This may be disorienting as previously important individuals and groups no longer have the same importance as they once did.

You may be drawn to new friendships and groups which meet current needs.  For example, I recently talked with a solopreneur who gets great value out of meeting with a small group of women who are in business for themselves.  Finding their common celebrations and challenges provides resources and encouragement.

Pleasures can be a connecting force.  Notice what you are attracted to.  One of the groups that I started 10 years ago came together out of a class that I taught on Aging with Passion and Purpose.  During the class I was struck by the value generated as participants discussed current changes and challenges related to the aging.  The class took us deep, and half of the group felt sufficient benefits and connection that they wanted to continue meeting. 

Five of us met for 10 years!  As time went on it became clear that what kept us together was often the pleasures we enjoyed together.  In addition to sharing a meal and enriching conversation, we played together whether it was finding a new game that stretched  our brains and tickled our funny bones, creating cards or making jewelry.

What changes are you noticing in your friendships?

What has helped important relationships last over the years?

What do you want to do to nurture your friendships?

Just Say "No," Simple, yes. Easy... not so much.

What power there is in just saying no!  In a recent discussion with a colleague it became evident that saying no is one of those on-going challenges for women.  During your forties and fifties, it almost screams to be used with greater conscious awareness and perhaps, frequency.  When we are being tried by hormone surges, major changes, and economic tumult, saying no can provide added freedom and power.  Taking that stand for yourself also can begin to point you in the direction of your own truth.

Discerning what is true for us is increasingly important as we come to our late forties and fifties because we are establishing the foundation for our future, the next chapter, if you will.  We have often followed in the culturally preferred and hormonally supported pattern of others first, self, when and if we get to it.  As we step into the perimenopause (pre-menopause) and post menopause period, the hormonal support shifts to  supporting us, our desires, our goals, our pleasures.

As Dr. Christiana Northrup reports in her informative and reassuring book, “The Secret Pleasures of Menopause:”
"The physical and emotional discomfort many of us experience at perimenopause is in effect the labor pains of giving birth to our new, best selves.  Instead of using our energy for everyone and everything else around us, as we did when we were raising our families and nurturing our careers, we’re now biologically called to focus that energy on ourselves."

Selfish?  Perhaps.  Heavens knows we don’t need a lot more self-centered people in this society, but what we could use is more self-respecting, self- honoring, and self-nurturing people.  The old gas mask maxim that your stewardess/steward announces just as your airplane takes off  definitely applies.  “Parents, put on your own gas masks first before helping your child.”  The message can be a matter of life and death.

For us, day to day, saying no can be putting on the gas mask first.  Only you know when you have enough on your calendar;  only you know when you need more time and space for yourself.  Only you know when a “pause” is in order.  A pause that allows you to take time to reflect on “What’s next for me?” “What do I want the next chapter of my life to look like?” “What does my BEST LIFE look like now?” Summer time is a delicious time for this pause.